Weekend Vignettes

You know you both complain and text too much when your texting buddy, after not hearing from you for 24 hours, thinks you’ve early terminated your Peace Corps service. Thanks for being there, Joel. Sorry my phone was dead.

Today I went to Thailand’s answer to the box store, Big C. They had a sale on electric fly zappers. I thought about it and seemed kind of wanton to zap all the flies. Now at home I’m swarmed by flies and zapping them seems like a nobler pursuit.

The furniture count is at two. I bought a table this weekend! I have a table; I am officially a real adult.

My corner neighbor teaches the neighborhood children English every Saturday and Sunday. When parents drive by to pick-up/drop-off their kids, they probably notice the lazy Farang, napping in plain sight, not teaching English. They probably wonder what good it is having a pet white person if she isn’t even going to teach English.

S.E.A.P.

"Why'd it have to be snakes?"

I scoured my whole pineapple stall today. Not because the old adage, “cleanliness is next to godliness” finally hit home. It was because I had another nightmare about snakes.

I had my first in a long series of snake nightmares, the week my Peace Corps invitation came in the mail. Once I knew it would be Thailand, I knew there would be snakes involved in my service.  Though I've only seen two live snake in Thailand my nightmares are along Raiders of the Lost Ark lines. 

I cleaned my house because there must be no place a snake can hide. It's now a compulsion that I be able to see every inch of floor space in my shed, so there's nothing left on my floor. There isn't a crumb to be found because crumbs attract vermin and vermin attract snakes. I live in the cleanest two rooms in Thailand.

There is a small gap between one of my window pains and its sills. I stuck a broom out the window to fill the space as an extra snake-deterrent.

My pathology has driven my eyes to to complete a full inspection of the bathroom every time I enter. I'm just now realizing how psychotic this is. I read somewhere that some snakes live in sewers and could enter a home through the drain pipe. The drain pipe is that first place my eyes scan before I enter my bathroom.

All this caution prompted me to wonder what I would actually do if I found a snake in bathroom or hanging out under my one piece of furniture. So yesterday, I enacted a Snake Emergency Action Plan or SEAP for short. It’s a work in progress, but here is the plan so far:

1. Scream

2. Run 

Caged Wisdom

Serving a "light treason" sentence in federal prison, George Bluth -the patriarch in my all time favorite TV show, Arrested Development- has a vision of the Star of David and converts to his understanding of Judaism. He then markets his new-found Judaic wisdom in a series of self-help video tapes. These Caged Wisdom tapes urge viewers to learn to be alone, among other things.

Before joining the Peace Corps, “aloneness” was my primary fear. There's nothing more horrifying then being alone with my thoughts. Actually, in my Peace Corps interview, when asked if I had any country preferences, I said I would go anywhere I didn't have to live alone.

And yet, here I am sixteen months later, relishing living alone in my panic room of an apartment. I've developed a variety of coping mechanisms. I watch hours of illegally-downloaded American television; I tame my inner monologue by framing it all blog posts and Facebook statuses.  It’s still overwhelming to have so much"self-reflection" time, but while staring out at an army of gregarious Thai neighbors, solitude is no longer my number one fear.

I’m still learning to cohabitate with my thoughts My thoughts are beginning to seem more like a friend who must be reigned in from time to time and less like an enemy that must be dominated through constant activity and social interaction.  I’m making peace with my brain.

On Wisconsin?

As the only person around for 30 miles who knows accounting principles, when the office gathers around to count money, naturally I am asked to tape envelopes. Then I get left behind when everyone leaves to distribute said envelopes money. Now Scott Walker is still the governor of my second home state.

Scott Walker, you are the icing on my shit cake.