Hotel Toronto

"Hotel California" isn’t a very cool song anymore, but try telling the rest of the world that. In middle school my friend Alisa, told me her Russian immigrant father’s favorite song was "Hotel California." I think I mentioned this to my mom, she having been to an Eagles concert on a date one time, assured me it was not a very good song. My Dad told me he wasn’t allowed to listen to it at Bible school because it’s about the Devil.

Then I didn’t think much about the Eagles for a long time; until I studied abroad in Peru, where I learned that Germans like "Hotel California" even more than they like David Hasselhoff. In Lima I lived with two Germans, three French kids, and two Koreans who all thought the Eagles were America’s best export. And that our Peruvian friends who came over were inclined to agree.

Before I arrived in Thailand, I had no idea how much of my life would be karaoke. Thais love karaoke and I'm encouraged to participate in the etiquette-free display of self-indulgence as often as possible. Being well acquainted with karaoke rules of conduct stateside - where singing Free Bird or some song nobody knows is practically a criminal offense- I wanted to cater my song selection to my Thai audience. I had a hunch "Hotel California" just might be a hit. Incidentally, it was such a hit, I got a standing ovation and chance to sing, "My Heart Will Go On."

I’m actually listening to "Hotel California" right now, still trying to understand its foreign appeal. My best guess is that the melody line is easy to sing and California is the coolest place non-Americans can think of. In Thailand when I say I’m from the US people say, "oh do you live in California" and I say no I live in the north, “functionally, I live in Canada” And then no one cares. I guess that’s why there’s no internationally iconic karaoke ballad called, “Hotel Toronto.”

#Yumster

"Yumster!"

Most people who know me, also know of my ongoing quest to, “make yumster happen.” The word yumster was born while trying to find the perfect description for a deep-friend candybar, and was immediately shot down by everyone that loves and cares about me.

Everyone says, “(El)mily, yumster is so not happening.” But I think all the controversy surrounding yumster is proof that yumster is so happening. And thanks to my one man propaganda machine, yumster is now happening in at least three Midwestern states. And now…Thailand.

My Thai coworkers are like American slang sponges, eagerly sopping up any colloquialisms I may spill.  Here's a list of their vocabularly so far:

        “OMG!”

        “Let’s bang.”

        “I want a lady on the street, but a freak in the bed.”

        “Dog, you nasty!”

        And now, “Yumster!”

I had the perfect soap box from which to share my joyful yumster message when my friend and coworker, Ning asked me if Americans, when describing food say, “Delicious!” or “Yummy!” more often. I tried to mask my excitement with sincerity but I snickered and said, “Actually, most people say yumster.”

Ning tried it out, “Yumster! Is that what cool people say?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool. You should definitely say it all the time.”

Miss Songkran 2555

 

Drenching old people is still
an important part of Songkran.

It's 101 degrees and the nationwide water fight is underway. It's Thai New Year, or Songkran, and the centuries-old tradition of washing the feet of elders has devolved into three plus days of water guns,whiskey,  dancing, and general tomfoolery.

Songkran, like almost any event in Thailand starts at the Wat. On the first day, it's almost pious as the younger generation lines up to pay respect to their elders and the Buddha. But it's just not a Thai festival until somebody cracks open a case of 70-proof Thai whiskey and passes out a communal bottle. And just like that the piety is gone. But don't judge too harshly, it's actually amazing that anyone can do shots when the temperature is in the triple digits, these people are to be admired.

Sprinkling water on Buddha's
image is considered good luck.

Everyone one of these seniors offered
up their grandon for me to marry.

The next day of Songkran, the religious pretense is gone. It's all about "len naam," literally playing water. Every kid in Thailand (and the occasional Peace Corps volunteer) stands on the side of the road and throw water at passing motorcycles. The temptation to use  water gun is there, but don't let the Super-Soaker suck you in,  a good old bucket is a lot more efficient. Occasionally some drives by and asks not to be dumped on, they are promptly ignored. But it leave me wondering why you wouldn't want to be sopping wet when it's so damn hot.

Watch out kids!

Some prefer to watch the madness from the shade.

In my tambon, community, the holiday winds down slowly- people are still throwing water three days later. But on the last official day of Songkran, all the neighboring communities gather for a parade up and down the main drag. For the procession the tambons dress up their most beautiful young women in traditional Thai garb. Because I'm a novelty, I was also dressed up. I felt a little guilty, the other women had earned their  titles of Miss Songkran, I just showed up one day with white skin and usurped all of the attention. 

Three or so minutes into the parade started it started pouring. The three hours every gay man in my village spent making me Miss Songkran was for not. But the pictures remain as proof that for two hours I was a Thai princess. And after the parade we dance and drank whiskey in the rain.

My coworker and I are dressed from the Lanna Period.
It took three hours for me to look like this.

30 seconds late it started to rain.

Soom-Saam

I'm clumsy, like this elephant that fell in a hole.

In terms of frequency, Soom-Saam, is in my top ten Thai words. It means clumsy and I say it at meals when I spill my water, at work when people comment on my latest bruises, and when I'm veer my bike off the rode while trying to read a Thai sign.

The clumsy friend who taught me this word said it will be the most useful thing my Thai vocabulary, he was right. It actually captures my essence. I've always been clumsy, but lately I've really stepped up my game. I haven't gone a whole meal without spilling in weeks. From all of my bruises you would think I either had an abusive boyfriend or didn't eat enough bananas. Neither is true.

My theory is this: just living my life in Thailand takes so much concentration that I don't have any left for simple things like not falling. By the time I go to work, come home, and feed myself, my concentration reserves all used up and I'm doomed to jam my knee in an excerisize machine.

Pulp Reality

It's party season in Thailand. The rice harvest is over and it's time to celebrate. 

In Thailand you may not have a rich Jewish friend to throw an awesome Bar Mitzvah party, but don't worry your friends' parents will take out a high interest loan to throw their son the best Ngan Buat, monk ordination party, you've ever been to. It will be loud and there will be delicious food, trashy entertainment, and dancing. 

Thai music all sounds polyphonic. It's blasted form low-quality speakers and it's horrible, but I dance anyway. If I momentarily stop, people yell something in Thai that I'm sure that means, "Dance monkey, dance." They can't get enough of their pet farang's moves.

They're blasting enough decibels
to make my other ear go deaf, but
 this guy taking a nap.

But I have a secret for being best dancer in Sukhothai. There's no such thing as a cliche here. No one in Thailand has seen the "Shopping Cart" or the "Swim." Even the "Twist" is a fun new new move. As far as they know, I'm totally original (and very talented). 

This leaves it open for me to perform the whole dance from Pulp Fiction without anyone calling out my hackneyed-ass. And perform it I do- at every wedding, ordination, and ceremony I go to. I'm a sensation, all thanks to Travolta's adding a dance scene to a post-modern crime film. Thanks John and Uma!

Bad at Thai Day

On a Good at Thai Day you can’t stop me. My meh might make something aloi for breakfast. I ask her about it and we have a nice little exchange. I get on my bike and wave to everyone in my community on my way to work. I may have useful conversation about Thai Welfare and the problems facing youth in Sukhothai. I tell a joke to my coworkers and we all crack up. My ego swells, there’s nothing I can’t understand. But…if I don’t understand the old “smile and nod” fools everybody.

On a Bad at Thai Day the “smile and nod” isn’t fooling anybody. A lousy conversation in the morning sets the tone for the days when I can barely speak at all. On these days I worry I may not even be able to order my ice coffee- which is such a frightening prospect I’m stricken by paralysis. 

I assumed the learning curve for language acquisition was mostly linear. I didn’t expect a curve that yielded days when I feel almost fluent and days when I can’t get my own coffee order. It's a whole new kind of tedious.

Last Monday- when I wrote most of this post- was a Bad at Thai Day. Last Tuesday was a Good at Thai Day. The week overall was a mixed bag. With no way to predict what kind of day I'll have, I just  hope the Bad Days become fewer and the Good Days become frequent.

The Thai Smile Paradox

Land of Smiles?

Many people refer to Thailand the Land of Smiles. It's a cute moniker and even the locals have adopted it their mythology. But everywhere I went Thais were smiling more than the Polish, but no more than Americans. A Thai might flash a warm smile and go right back to looking hot and tired.

So, I wanted to know once and for all if the Thai people live up to their dearly-held smiling stereotype. I designed an experiment to get to the bottom of The Thai Smile Paradox.  

Last week my community had hosted an event for its senior citizens. Sitting in a room full of  Thailand's supposedly happiest residents seemed like a chance to test my "Land Where Some People Smile Some of the Time" hypothesis. To catch the seniors in the act, I set my camera to smile mode- the camera takes a picture automatically when it senses someone is smiling- and waited. I moved my camera around for fifteen minutes trying to capture Thailand's most famous expression. It took fifteen minutes for someone to smile! Theory proven. Thais smile about as much anyone else.

Frog Blog

This is the frog that lives in my bathroom, or rather in the pipe where all my bucket-shower water goes. When he's not in the pipe waiting to pop out at me just as I've shampooed my hair, he's hanging out next to the pipe blocking my access to the toilet. I live in  fear of this little guy.